dissolve

took a shower and washed my hair because i have my first appointment with my physical therapist (for  my pelvic  issues) tomorrow.

i’m still experiencing a lot of irritation and discomfort. not sure if the ointment is working yet.

there is a cut on my right hand thumb that doesn’t  seem to want to heal and t makes doing thing in the kitchen etc very difficult.

earlier this week i also switched from stainless steel studs to small silver hoops after i had my ear repierced about 2 months ago (*lost the hole in my right earlobe due to a minor surgery in 2015)… and i thought silver would be better for my ear. I really struggled to get the hoop through the hole and probably caused some damaged because the area has been irritated since. i hope  won’t have to take the earrings out.

i’ve been eating ALL THE TIME for weeks. u forgot to mention that to the doctor on friday. t can’t be sugar  because i haven’t been eating sugar.  thought it was emotional eating but it’s probably  hormonal. its like my brain doesn’t realize i’m full.
as i showered i just wanted to stand there forever until my body disintegrated and i dissolved and washed down the drain. but i couldn’t do  that because water is a limited resource.

even thought it looks like we might be getting some answer i still feel pretty helpless.

 

©lowercase v

 

that person does not exist anymore

When I was talking to my parents this morning about my depression and how i struggle to make friends and form relationships.

I think it has a lot to do with my adolescence. My mother had depression and at the time there was a lot more stigma and I didn’t bring a lot of friends home. And after puberty it got more difficult. My own depression and body image issues made things more difficult.  I became a loner and more introverted.

My dad reminded me that this was not my core personality. In kindergarten and primary school I was very outgoing and sociable.  I pointed out that that started changing after puberty, which was also when my mom got sick. I am not blaming my mother at all. She was ill and it’s not her fault. It did have an impact on my development though.

Everything pretty much went wrong after age 12 and I’m now in my 30s and never really bounced back.

I was always very thin skinned, empathetic and sensitive but overall I was happy and outgoing. I might have been a bright, independent, extroverted child, but the kid is gone. That kid has be killed by things like hormones, high school (and what a lonely cold place it is), illness and life experiences.  She is gone. Gone baby, gone.

I really hope this new doctor I’m seeing will help and that I’ll find a treatment that works for me.

©lowercase v 2017 

Not Candida

This post contains content of a gynaecological nature. 

I saw the doctor on Thursday. It seems that what has constantly been written off, treated by doctors and self-treated by me wasn’t candida. Sure there might have been candida/ yeast issues at times, but the reason treatment never seemed to work was because we weren’t treating the real problem. I’ve been on extreme diets, which have made me miserable and even more socially isolated for no good reason.  I should be careful and cutting out dairy (because of my allergy), but there is no reason to be so strict with grains and fruit etc. Cutting out those things haven’t really helped me anyway and just created imbalances and other issues.

I had some peanut noodles on Thursday and I’ve had some peanut-butter in a smoothie yesterday (peanuts are a no-no on the candida diet,  because of mould risk, but I’ve never really seemed to have an issue with them and I’m not allergic to them). I also got some mushrooms to cook sometime this weekend.

She took a swab test to check for pathogens. She gave me an ointment to help with the irritation which also contain oestrogen.  She refereed me to a physiotherapist for my pelvic floor dysfunction. I will see her again in three weeks. She will probably give me testosterone as it tested low when another doctor tested it a year ago.

She thinks I should probably be back on anti-depressants again. I discussed it with her and told her that they haven’t really helped me and they have to many side-effects. She thinks we should maybe try something different than  SSRIs (since that’s what I’ve used in the past). But she agreed that we could start with the hormones and gynaecological issues and then talk about it it again.

However my parents think I should go back on medication anyway since I’ve been very depressed lately. We had a family meeting this morning.  I told them I’ll talk to her about it when I see her. So maybe I have a few weeks to see if the treatment will work first. My dad has also said we could get me a gym membership, which is something I have been thinking about, but don’t have the money for.  I’m not really getting enough exercise, so maybe that will help improve my overall health and mood.

My immune system feels run down and I feel exhausted.  I’m seeing the physiotherapist on Monday and have to see her a few times before I see my doctor again.

I’m feeling alone and friendless.  Some people vaguely care, because they’re good kind people, but from a distance. I feel alone and isolated. But I guess I’m not really in a place where I can be good company.

©lowercase v 2017

5th session

I had the 5th session of my plasma healing yesterday. I decided to take a break from it at least until next week before deciding if I’ll do another 5. I’m giving my body time to respond and I’m also sick of driving there.

Yesterday there was a 3 km queue for the off-ramp/exit from the highway. It took more than 30 minutes to get from that point onto the exit street.  I was almost 20 minutes late and had to wait an hour and a half for another appointment. I had some tea and a bite to eat down stairs while I waited.

My candida is still horrible and very aggravated.  My mom thinks maybe I should see some internist/ specialist, but I have no clue where to go. All doctors ever do is tell you to cut out sugar and carbs etc. But that hasn’t really helped me.

I’m eating all the time.

On Sunday night I spilled some tea on my laptop. Since then the keyboard hasn’t been working that well. So today I removed all the buttons to clean them (I have done this once before and it was fine). There was a lot of hair and fluff. Only now I can’t seem to get them all back in. I’m exhausted. I should have been resting today but then I go and do stupid things like that.  I can at least use my dad’s PC but that’s not really ideal.

I’m really tired of my health issues. And maybe this keeps me sick, because if you feel negatively about your body it will respond negatively. But i try so hard to be healthy. It’s hard to feel good about your body when you’re constantly feeling this horrible.

At least I’ve managed to turn-off the auto-correct on my phone.

Why do I always have stupid crushes on people who don’t feel the same about me. And it’s not like I just make a move and let the chips fall where they may. I’m at a really crappy, broke place in my life. I don’t have any kind of social life.

It doesn’t seem like life ever gets better. I pretty much need a miracle or some kind of sign.

©lowercase v

all i ask

I’m not asking for fame, glory or excessive wealth.

All I’m asking for is good health, feeling good inside this body, someone I can really connect with and a bit of financial independence.

I’m still feeling horrible. Each moment is just dragging by.

and i know it’s this thought that also makes me feel worse, but right now i don’t want to be in this body.

©lowercase v 2017 

this body

I managed to study some coding yesterday, despite having a headache most of the day.

I had horrible pain in my left side last night. I don’t know if it’s my digestive tract or surrounding organs.

I’ve been feeling worse since Monday. Not sure if it’s something  (extremely diluted borax) that’s been added to my homeopathic mix or detox or both.  So I’m wondering if I should stop using it at least until Monday.

Not sure if the pain in my side was cause by the mix or from the soy (contains gluten) I ate last night or maybe the canned tomato & onion mix I added to the nuggets. There was a slight brown ring on the outside lid of the can. I never had any issues like this with soy before, though I seldom eat it these days (at a stage a few years ago I was eating it once or twice a day).
Wanted to sleep a bit later this morning, but had to use my candida treatments before other people start using the bath room.

I’m crying. I’m feeling hopeless.

 

 

©lowercase v

failure to break

And I’m  back on facebook.

I’m feeling REALLY horrible and gross. I have been eating all day and I’m so full, but I keep wanting to eat and keep craving things.

It also turns out while the cleaning lady was working in the kitchen yesterday, she unplugged the freezer. Everything defrosted.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this detox and how I’m going to get through to Monday.

I think I should put on a funny DVD and just cuddle with my dog. Maybe a mug of coffee, even though it’s past 19:30 already and I’ve probably had more than enough caffeine already.

 

Ugh why can’t I just enjoy my life and my body.

Feeling very lonely.

©lowercase v