it would be an easy choice
if i knew
but i don’t

until then i’ll drink bitter tears
fan any embers of hope
try be thankful
and hang on,
to any reasonable doubt.

(C)lowercase v 2010

my instinct told em to just get out and get away. but i could not leave A alone. i  SMS’ed my friend J.

K pulled out of the parking lot and drove into the street.

she kept asking for directions but neither of us would give them to her. at the second traffic light she made a u-turn and went back to the parking lot.

she got out and pulled A out the passenger door. She continued fighting with her and and kissing her. i got into the drivers seat. K once again reached in and grabbed the keys before i could stop her.

eventually she let us go.

A agreed to let me drive. K told me i was a bad friend because i was going to kill herself. “I’m not letting kill herself. you’re the one trying to push her.”

we drove of and soon my phone was ringing. i thought it was that pshyco K, but it was the girl from the club and i was stupid enough to pick up. i got flustered when we got near the highway on ramp and i realised i hadn’t turned on the lights so i agreed to let  A drive, since i hadn’t driven her car before and she insisted that she could.

she was crying on the way home and i finally let myself cry after remaining stoic in front of K. at her house i asked i should stay over until she left for her mother’s the next morning. she said no “i’m not going to do anything”. i asked 2 more times and then got in my car to go home.

i took a wrong turn and had to my a u-turn and once again i forgot the lights, because i got pulled over. the officer asked why my eyes were red and i told him it was because i was crying and that we had almost been hijacked. he must have seen that i was in shock and sincere because he asked me if i’d be able to drive home and then let me go with a warning.

(c)lowercase v, 2010

K continued shouting like a maniac, right up in my face. “She’s only friends with you because she feels sorry for you you know why you don’t have a mate? You’re pathetic! Grow up! “

A managed to convince  K to get away from me and the went back to the stairs. i wasn’t crying, nor resorting to throwing insults back at K. at some stage i went back to check on A.  i asked if we could leave but once again she asked me to wait. it was obvious K wouldn’t let her go. i asked for the car keys so that i could wait inside, but really i wanted to get my own car/house keys so i could make my escape if i needed to.  k shouted at me :”leave! just fuck off! all i ever gave you was friendship and you turned your back on me.” i calmly reminded her that she never really was a friend to me and walked to the car where i got my keys  and waited outside. A’s eyes were red from crying.

the shouting continued, you could hear K across the parking lot, yet  a bystander told me to go get my friend out of the situation. i went back to them and asked K to please let A go. their conversation wasn’t ? i asked calmly looking her right in the eye.  ”lets go” i told A. she seemed unable to move, telling me she’d be there soon, looking scared. i was too scared to physically take her by the hand and pull her out. scared it might push K over the edge…

(c) lowercase v, 2010

last friday night i went with my friend A (the one whom i had/have feelings for) to a girl party. we met up with joburg friends, a couple, and had quite a good time. i even met a beautiful girl who i danced with and kissed.

at some point during the evening K showed up (K is the girl who kissed A right in front of me, the one she had the affair with) “hey i’m k, we used to be friends”. i politely greeted her without making much fuss and then set off to the bathroom to find A and warn her that K was there. when i turned around K was behind me. i scurried of letting them be. flirting with “my girl”. dancing with my friends.

at times when A was outside i’d sms her aski ng “is this what you want”

later A indicated that we’d leave soon. and that i should get ready. she went outside on the terrace to talk to K, apparently telling her things were over for good.

i went to say goodbye to the girl and take her number. i went to the terrace to tell A i got the number (immature i know, but it doesn’t happen often and i was excited) they were still talking and A asked me to wait outside in the foyer. i waited for a while. went inside for some reason and went i got back to the foyer they were outside the door and i walked out to them.

i dropped my key and bent to pick it up. K blocked them with her foot. i asked her to please move her foot and picked them up.

K shouted at me: “I’m gonna tell S (A’s gf) everything! I’m gonna tell her your in love with A!” i looked at A and shock, not sure if K’s words have registered with her. feeling that i have lost already i told K “so, tell her.”

A looked like she just wanted to run away from everything and asked me to wait in the foyer. i sat on the couch for a while watching people going in and out of the club. the were fighting on the staircase, or rather K was fighting. i then decided to wait down by A’s car. i wished that i had driven myself…

(C)lowercase v, 2010

2010 (c) lowercase v

on saturday i got the laptop  that my parents bought me for my birthday . last night my brother sorted my internet out for me. so right now i’m busy copying files and installing applications and so forth.

i’m going to the movies to night with some friends. we’re going to see “up in the air”.

health:

i have a bad cold this week, so i have been feeling very blah and haven’t gone to kickboxing.
candida isn’t gone but i think it has improved somewhat.
i have some digestive issues, probably due to stress

reiki:
went for another short session. J said we can do a follow up when my cold is better. afterwards we sat on the steps outside having a chat until her next client came.

social:
i probably won’t go out this weekend and just rest at home.

birthday:
my brother and his girlfriend will be coming to lunch this sunday and some family will come for cake and tea later the afternoon.
we’ll go shopping tomorrow.
i’ll be getting my laptop this weekend.
on tuesday i’ll go for a movie and a drink with some friends

work:
due to all my issues with my “employer” i haven’t done much writing this week, though the script is almost halfway done. pplus i’m waiting for the laptop

in december i resigned from a secure online marketing job. i loved my departmental colleagues and the premise that job, but hated the big cheese (who thrived on belittling others) and the content of the work. i was happy to leave.

i was headhunted and schmooze to write a commissioned screenplay by a former lecturer. at first i was to be my boss pa’s too and was excited to start the job in the beginning of january, but i found it impossible to work for him and unthinkable to sort out years of chaos in a few days. after 2 weeks we agreed that i would be replaced as pa by someone else and that i would write the screenplay from home.

and now my so-called boss isn’t paying me my advances. he hasn’t even paid the meager amount he was to pay for 2 weeks of PA work. he asked to give him until mid february, maybe until the 20th which is a day from now, but so far he shows no sign of budging.

is it my fault that is life is so fucked up that he has no money?

we don’t even have a contract.
he always managed to postpone it.

so he better sort this out before the end of the month.

i might have to get another job now, and the prospects aren’t good.

(c)lowercase v

birthday:
after i wrote last night’s pose i wrote a note to my mom. saying:
- we could invite my brother and his girlfriend for lunch and then invite the rest of the family for tea later the afternoon
-if we don’t make a lasagne maybe we can do wraps, nachos or order a pizza… or something like that

She e-mailed me say thanks for the note and:
-last night when she went to bed she thought that we could have a tea anyway but only invite my brother and his gf for dinner for wraps.

so i guess we’ll discuss it tonight.

work:
still writing from home. though due to stress etc haven’t written much. i still haven’t gotten paid for january. i’m giving it til the 20th (boss asked for grace until then)

last friday dad e-mailed me about a special on a laptop that he could get through a colleague. we talked about it when he came home.
me: i don’t have money for it right now.
dad: why do you always see the negative.
me: i only have a few hundered rands in my account
dad: ja it’s best not to make dept, but i was thinking i could talk to mom and maybe we could help you.
mom came into the room and dad told her about the lap top.
mom: oh we can just buy it for her birthday
me: but it’s expensive
mom: it’s a good deal and you need it for work.

i really do need a laptop for work so i am really happy and thankful about getting the laptop (might get it next week)
i did feel a little bad because it is so expensive. my parents aren’t rich and birthday presents usually are only a few hundred rands.

social:
social events always seem to clash but what can you do.

A asked me to go to a bar with her and her gf, CV ,tonight.

there is a Valentine’s langarm dance tomorrow which our friend El invited us too. didn’t think i could go but CV wants to go and CV will probably be dancing with everyone but A, including men.
A asked me to go with them to keep her company since it’s neither of us’s scene and that we could sit around and make jokes.
first i thought i don’t want to go to a valentines dance, but i decided to go for my friend. who knows it might turn out to be a nice evening.

sunday morning i’m going to go for a massage in support of et nose. then i’m going over to El’s for to swim and hangout with our single friends who don’t have valentines plans. El is such a sweet thoughtful person.

health:
i still have candida but i’m giving the herbal medicine a month or so to work before i go see a doctor. a friend suggested i go see an internist.

not having major problems from stopping my depression medication, i am no more depressed than i was on the pills.
having some withdrawal and i am very moody and cranky at the moment, but i think i’ll get through it.
i just need time.

reiki:
i went for my free reiki session last friday. it was weird but interesting. i felt tired afterwards and decided not to go out that evening since i wouldn’t be drinking anyway. i had a short follow up yesterday.
candida isn’t gone but i am feeling more positive in general.

i had a good day. i can’t say the same for tonight.

i helped the friend who gave me the reiki’s colleague with their e-marketing, as a thank you.
went to a chinese supermarket and found some foods i haven’t seen in ages.
i had my follow up reiki session today. still waiting to see benefits.
washed my car.
ate too much and was pekish all night. (getting into the bad habit of eating at night again, i guess i’m frustrated about candida, financaes and valentinesday coming up.)

was ok for most of the evening til my mom wanted to talk to me about my birthday.

last weekend i told her i wanted to invite my grandparents and them (meaning aunts,uncles, cousins in pta) for coffee and cakes next sunday afternoon (21st). she said it was fine.

tonight she said she though we might do a braai, but it would be to hot in the afternoon so maybe she should make a lasagne.
she said we could invite my brother (plus his girlfriend) plus my friend H (h is a friend since childhood whom i don’t see as often and are not close with anymore). i tried to see her last weekend since i wouldn’t come to her party, which was later canceled anyway, butt she didn’t have time… h has a 1 year old baby and a new bf. i doubt she’ll be available)

i asked if she would be making the lasagne with meat and she said that of course she’d make a separate portion for me with soya mince.
i asked if she could make a veggie lasagne instead but she said it was too much work. i actually meant everyone’s lasagne and she proabbaly understood it that way, but she might have thought i just meant my portion.
(mom’s “lasagne” is actually more like macoroni-n-cheese with mince or veggies, but still nice)

maybe i’m being ungrateful about the lasagne, but it’s my birthday and i’m a vegetarian, if it takes a little more effort to make is with veggies i don’t feel like it should be such a big deal.
maybe i should make it myself then. or we could just order pizza or something.

i reminded her that i wanted a tea and she said that my grandparents wouldn’t come since they visited last sunday, she didn’t realise i meant we should also invite her family (her sisters, their kids, and grandchildren all live in pta)

she also thought she wanted to do a dinner rather than just cake because my brother likes coming for dinner. so maybe i can invite who ever i want to (thing is i’m not seeing anyone and most of my friends are paired off so i don’t want to invited them all to family dinner cause it’s a large group etc)

i wish i had someone special to be my date at my own damn birthday

i told my mom i wanted the tea in the afternoon beause that sunday is another friend’s birthday and she invited us for drinks in the evening (although i had the tea idea before the invitation) so i don’t have a dinner sunday night.

anyways at some stage i said “let’s just forget the tea”
she said “ok then”

i said that i didn’t want to do nothing at all, so she said that we could talk later when i was feeling better.

so now i’m confused about what to do for my birthday.

i’m not much of a family person but i would like to see my grandparents and i never invite the family to stuff and i haven’t had a birthday in SA in more than 3 years. i was here last year but i was very depressed so i just went to the movies with my parents.

i’m going to watch a movie and go for some drinks with some friends on my birthday as well, but i thought maybe i should do something more.

i love my mom, but she mostly seems to trigger my lows. at the moment it feels like i’ll never move out of this house.

i’m turning 27.